Sunday, August 31, 2008

Movie Trailor: Original Batman vs. The Dark Knight

I guess the only thing to say here is "Don't fix it if it isn't broken." The movie trailor used to promote The Dark Knight follows the exact same format as the original Batman movie. Seriously, is it just me or are these exactly the same with character and makeup changes? I suppose those responsible for marketing and promoting the biggest movie of the year decided to stick with what works and just take a few nights off of work...

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Stone Ruination IPA

Now if this isn’t a rare find in the long list of American beers…the Stone Ruination IPA from San Marcos, California. With the creation of this India Pale Ale by the Stone Brewing Company came a strong name, a bold label and an awfully bitter beer. The devilish gargoyle on the front of the bottle warns of an intensely bitter flavor, weighing in at over 100 IBUs (International Bitterness Units). If that isn’t enough for you the bottom of the label reads, “A liquid poem to the glory of the hop!” Enough said...This is an extremely hoppy beer with an intensely bitter flavor, and every bit delicious. I leave you with a staggering 7.7% alcohol/volume.

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Friday, August 29, 2008

John McCain Is Running With The Devil

Old Man McCain tried to hip his speech up a little bit today by using the Van Halen song "Right Now," as his intro. music. But McCain "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love." Apparently, McCain has decided to throw the world a left hook and announced a very inexperienced governor of Alaska to be his running mate. I'm sure it makes a lot of sense to McCain having a young woman as a running mate. He can kill two birds with one stone. It kinda makes him look a little hipper, and maybe he can pick up a few of those Hillary votes. Either way, "I'm Hot For Teacher." Sorry, I had to get one more in there. She really isn't too bad looking for a politician though.

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Michael Jackson Turns 50 In Pajama Pants

Happy Birthday to the King of Pop from those of us at That's right guys...for those of you living under a rock, Michael Jackson turns 50 years old today. It seems like just yesterday he was dancing his way to the top of the pop charts with his release of the Thriller album, but the sweet little boy with the vocal pipes from the Jackson 5 sure has "changed faces" (pun intended). From Jacko to Wacko, many surgeries and allegations later...he's still around. He might be getting older, but he still knows how to party and never misses a photo op. He was recently spotted at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas wearing a tuxedo jacket with his pajama pants. He's changed a little since his infamous white glove, but he's still got it...weirdo

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

David "The Dick" Duchovny Is In Rehab for Sex Addiction

The former star of X-Files or the more recent Showtime series Californication, and yet even better known for his earlier work in the porn industry; David "The Dick" Duchovny has recently checked himself into rehab for sex addiction. You have to see the bitter irony here people, I mean he started working as a pornstar...probably developed his
satyriasis around that time only to star in a show some years later selling himself as a bitter writer with a drinking problem, an incredibly low self-esteem and an exceptionally dry sense of humor. Put it all together and you have a self-loathing sex maniac with a pretty entertaining show. Who knew that it was a biographical series? Here's to "Fucking and Punching"...

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Ohh Noo Diddy Can't Afford To Fuel His Private Jet

How long do you think it's going to take before this guy starts spinning the backlash from this into some stupid MTV reality show. They'll have Diddy pumping free gas for people while Farnsworth Bentley holds that stupid fucking umbrella up his ass. Or grabbing people out of the airport and giving them a free ride in his jet.

This guy is the worst kind of whore. If it weren't for Biggie, this no talent ass clown really would be pumping gas now. The only skills this guy possesses is having creative friends. He just whores them out and sits back and makes all the money.

But in the end, his hubris will be his downfall. I don't condone at all the fact that this guy is going to catch so much shit for this clip because I think we are way to sensitive about these kinds of things. But I can't wait to see this tool sucking the big media dick when everyone turns on him.

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Top Gun's Homoeroticism

I have been saying this for years. I can't believe I found Quentin Tarantino backing me up on this. Tarantino's theory takes the idea all the way down to the core intent of the film. I always knew that Top Gun had homo-erotic tendencies but I never considered that it was the whole idea behind the film. This is not really the problem here. The problem is the packaging just like Quentin says. They are trying to deceive the audience and that irritates the shit out of me.

At a quick glance, it's a movie about manly military fighter pilots going after the evil Russians. Classic man movie material. Take away the few minutes of dogfights, the beer, and Tom Skerritt it reveals itself to be half chick flick and half about a man coming to terms with his homosexuality.

If Goose's mustache doesn't ping your gaydar, the shirtless volleyball game was a dead giveaway. Slow motion, half naked sweaty men straining their muscles to slap balls that are trying to enter their box. In the original script, they were supposed to be playing badminton but Tom thought it made them look TOO pussy.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

European Death Metal

If you take away the guitar and bass, this shit sounds like Gollum talking while an old lady feverishly transcribes his gibberish with a typewriter. Those drums are fucking awful. You gotta love the concept though. Four weirdos in robes with girl hair and make-up pretending to play their instruments while standing in a wet hole.

And that has to be the worst zombie make-up ever. I bet his kid sister worked really hard to make him look that scary. She probably filmed this shit too. I love how they stand with their legs as far apart as possible. It looks like they are trying to lay a log in the leaves but they've got one hung.

It's so sweet how they all take a nap together under the oak tree after they finish summoning the death metal demons. It reminds me of one those blustery days in the Hundred Acre Woods where Pooh and Eeyore take a nice afternoon snooze after gorging on honey and thistle.

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Bombardier's One-Wheeled Motorcycle

Geez...where to start? I can think of few things more absurd and unsafe than a one-wheeled motorcycle. I mean seriously the sheer ridiculousness of this creation...Was Bombardier designing a motorized unicycle or a one-wheeled motorcycle? Either way who in the hell is going to even buy this concept? I know...I know, this thing must be a super efficient "Green Machine" that's made of specialized fuel cells, which probably run off of your own pee, or maybe this is a truly advanced piece of machinery that will just allow you to fart in a tube for extra miles per gallon. That's what I think of this thing anyway, point blank, it's a fart machine. I promise you this, I will shit my pants and eat my words the day I see some circus clown riding a motorized unicycle down the have my word.

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Monday, August 25, 2008

In 900 Years, Look As Good You Will Not

Ladies and Gentlemen, the apocalypse is at hand. Yoda, the four eared cat has come to set us free. This feline phenomenon is about the strangest thing we have seen since the reusable tampon.

Apparently Yoda's second set of ears don't affect his hearing one way or the other. They just make him look cooler than Heathcliff's Catillac buddy Riff-Raff.

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Bitter Beer Of The Week

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
-Humphrey Bogart

This weeks selection is Magic Hat's #9. Not Quite Pale Ale. This is a great refreshing summertime beer. Perfect for having a few brews at the pool on a hot day. The extra hops give it plenty of flavor while the apricot essence gives it a little sweetness rarely found with pale ales. A very clever combination. The only downside to the number 9 is that it has a little lower alcohol content than I would prefer but you can purchase the Magic Hat 12 sampler with the Jinx Fall Strong Ale that has nearly 7% alcohol.
And if that don't convince ya. Check out Mike Gordon's Magic Hat Summer Variety Show on September 4th in Chicago, IL. This event is surrounded in mystery but we do know it is going to be some kind of performance to the sweet sounds of Mr. Mike Gordon. Cactus! Cactus! "A few burgers, a few beers, our fuckin' troubles are over dude."

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Never Wear a Red Shirt To Target

I'm all for a casual workplace but Goddamnit, just a red shirt as a uniform is not going to cut it. Wear a fucking name tag you incognito motherfuckers. Put a fucking red vest on with a huge conspicuous name tag so every time I go into Target wearing a red shirt, I don't have middle-aged women asking me where the fuck the pencil sharpener aisle is. Today, I was sent on an impromptu mission to pick up a couple necessities. Immediately, I walk past two crusty looking chodes that look very much like DJ Qualls and his acne covered little buddy wearing an Incredible Hulk t-shirt whispering to each other. As they pass I hear one say in a crackly, puberty stricken warble, "Why would you wear a red shirt to Target? Hehehehehe."
Why indeed. Now the color of my face matches the color of my shirt exactly. While I'm contemplating turning around to slap the shit out of these two pre-pubescent dipshits, a middle aged mom and her daughter walks up and asks me if they have a specialty section for back to school. "Uuuuuhhhhhh, yeah it's in the back corner over there but there's not much back there." I say trying to mimmick every disgruntled minimum wage asshole I ever asked a question to and got a shitty fuck you I've got better things to do like walk around the corner behind the bras and dig these cacky pants out of my crack response. The mom and daughter both give me a go to hell look and turn away towards the back corner where they will soon discover is the exact opposite direction of their precious school supplies. As they turn away I give them the famous YOUR WELCOME move letting them know that a little more respect is demanded when asking a busy non-target employee directions to their destination. They look back in shock at my utter rudeness. I have never had so much fun at Target in my life. I was in there a total of 6 minutes and I bet I answered 6 more questions before I got out the door. I sent ladies looking for bleach towards the automotive section. Someone asked me where to find Napkins. I told her we didn't carry napkins and quickly turned away and ignored her as she tried to ask me if I was sure. I bet I ruined no less than 5 people's Target shopping experience. Granted, I put 85% of the blame on Target for not giving their employees a uniform, but still. That's what you get for fuckin' with me. In a world where your biggest competitor has bright blue goofy vests for their employees to wear with a smiley face and a giant "How May I Help You?" on the back, you can rummage up a name tag or two so I don't have to change my fucking wardrobe to buy some deodorant and toilet paper in peace.

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

L. Ron Hubbard's Original Concept For Scientology

It's a good thing he second guessed his first idea and tried to make the story a little more believable. Master Alien Xenu dropping hydrogen bombs into volcanos full of aliens makes much more sense.

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Friday, August 22, 2008

Woman Tattoos Company's Advertisement on Forehead

New to some and old-school to others, stories of people offering to don corporate logos on various parts of their body are a dime a dozen, but let's be reasonable some are just too damn crazy to ignore...

A woman in Utah actually auctioned off her forehead to the highest eBay bidder. No shit. Even worse...she actually put a price on her forehead, $10,000 smackers. Is it just me people, or is that prime real estate? I mean, I know my forehead is worth more than a measly ten grande. What's the going rate for infamy now-a-days? Seriously people, what's your pricetag? What would you charge to physically deface your "personal property"...very personal property....I guess I should say, "What would you charge for me, or my company in this case, to publically deface and humiliate you for the rest of your life?"

Well for Karolyne Smith, she only charged the Golden Palace $10,000. This "Forehead Goldie" appeared on national news, was fielding offers for interviews from local radio shows and even made it to the No. 2 spot on eBay's list of most watched items. Yes, I said eBay people, we're talking about the internet's McDonalds. The auction ended when used eBay's "Buy it now" feature to acquire the forehead space. What the hell is the world coming to? Oh well, if you can't beat 'em...join 'em...

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

Random Movie Clip

Is it Ken Russell's "Altered States" or "Keith Richards Takes a Bath?" Either way, this golden oldie demonstrates why you should never trip in church with William Hurt and his pet goat, Bright-Eyes.

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Britney Spears is the New Sid Vicious

Let me start off by saying I have not been or will ever be a fan of Britney Spears' music. Nor do I especially even care to classify that manufactured, glossy vagina pop she sings as music. Despite that fact, I think she is the best rock star we got going for the 2000's. We all have to give in to the fact that music has become a business and the shit dick's that look like rock stars are drinking Perrier before shows, getting their hair cut at salons by stylists and going on South Beach diets. Rock Star is 90% attitude and no doubt about it, she has got the grit.
This girl marries a piece of shit in Vegas, annuls the wedding less than a week later. Marries an even bigger piece of shit even though everyone around her is saying NoNoNo. I mean come on, was there anyone that didn't think this ham and egger was way fucking out of his league with his cubic zirconium bling and wife beaters.
This is when the fun begins. Fueled by cocaine, Ecstasy, nicotine, and Cheetos these two go on a Hillbilly romp and stomp around Hollywood Sid and Nancy style with no regard for the world watching carefully waiting for the bottom to fall out.
Two kids, a failed marriage, and about 237 shots of that pile of worn out roast beef she calls a pussy later, the 'ol Brit-dog is starting to show a few signs of fatigue.

Not that this is going to slow a true rock star down a bit. Oh No, instead why not lose custody of both kids to the one person that in normal circumstances would seem like the last person on earth to be a responsible parent. This is where the magic happens. Total collapsis. Erratic behavior, more crotch shots, and the pièce de résistance, the classic head shave.
"Ooohhh mama, my head is just so hot. It feels like it's on fire. I can feel each follicle just choking the cool out of my head. Each strand feels like it's turning back in and poking into my brain. It's squeezing my head. Pull over driver. Noooow!" BZZZZZZZZZZZ. "Oh mama, that's what I'm talkin' about. Driver, go around the corner and get me a starbucks and some cheetos. Damn, I need a cigarette."

That's just my interpretation of course but I'm sure it wasn't that far off. You can't write shit like this. Fuckin' Rock Star. I defy anyone to dispute this behavior as nothing but the finest hard rockin' debauchery we have only read about from the classic rock guys from the early seventies and the metal guys from the eighties. Her music may be shit but Miley Cyrus would never make it out of Disney alive if she showed up one day with her peanut shaped dome buzzed. The girls got balls.
So instead of hating on this poor little Louisiana backwoods yokel, I have decided to accept her and put her up on a rock pedestal next to notorious limit pushers and drug takers like Jim Morrison, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy and Sid Vicious. Fuck it, I can only stay bitter about something for so long. With as many pussies out there like Nickelback prancing around like they're bad asses, I think it's time we set some of our musical preferences aside and appreciate somebody that's just tired of the machine and ready to say fuck it all, here world, please look at my c-section scar. I never thought I would say this but thank you Britney Spears, I almost admire you a little bit. Unless you get your shit together, then you can go fuck yourself you talentless, used up heaping mound of tornado bait.

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Damned Canadian Peppers

When one thinks Canada, the first thing that comes to mind is obvious: yellow bell peppers. Apart from maple syrup, maple leaves and William "Maple" Shatner, Canada also exports yellow bell peppers. The cowardly cousin of both red pepper and the increasingly popular and eco-friendly green pepper, the yellow pepper is often favored for its colorful complement to pepper-themed meals. The tastes of each are extraordinarily similar, but no matter. It's colorful and fun.

Or so one would think.

Upon preparing a Canadian yellow bell pepper for quartering, slicing and impalement on a metal skewer, where it will remain while roasted over an open flame, one first removes the dime-sized sticker that advertises a fruit or vegetable's origin. During a recent cookout, one such sticker was removed to reveal a rotten hole in the pepper.

"Canadian bastards," was my first thought, but then I got to thinking. Is this not typical commercial behavior, the type that transcends nationality? Covering one's own ass at the expense of someone else's. One would hardly expect it from the Canadians, but there it is. Quality and standards might still play a role in the global market, but they're diminished to the point that their presence is naught but a gratuitous, meaningless cameo, like Burt Reynolds in "Smokey and the Bandit III." And like the audience of "Smokey in the Bandit III," the consumer is assumed an idiot by the producers, who are of the mindset that as long as shit is shoveled into the market and wrapped in cellophane, people will buy it, enjoy it and wallow in it, all to the tune of "Eastbound and Down."

And now that same mentality has physically manifested itself in Canadian yellow bell peppers. But like the rotten pepper hole, corporate flimflam can be avoided with a little effort. Just cut out the bullshit and use the good parts.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Army Working On New Mobile Laser Weapon

This thing sounds like a badass GI Joe vehicle. If they could figure out how to make the tires out of giant saw blades, I believe this thing would be unstoppable. The laser weapon works like a giant blaster rifle that can knock out missiles, artillery shells and incinerate a human being in a split second. The army just gave Boeing a $36 million dollar contract to continue work on this new age weapon. Boeing has apparently contracted a young group of scientists to pioneer this new laser technology. Pictured below to the left are two of America's finest young scientific minds performing an experiment attempting to bring the laser's power to the 100 watts it needs to be classified as weapons grade. We would hate to just melt the enemies face off, God knows we need the skull turned into a pile of dust too.

To the right is the cockblocker that's trying to fuck up our new kick-ass death machine because he can't get any dicks to suck with those creepy braces.

With all new technology, there are going to be a few setbacks. And when you're dealing with high powered lasers, You are going to have some real expensive setbacks. Just ask the Jones family whose house is pictured below.

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Is Your Baby an Alien?

Attention all viewers! Parents all over the world...if your kid looks like this (an 'effin alien), it may be your own damn fault. Positional plagiocephaly, also known as flattened head syndrome, is a disorder in which the back or one side of an infant's head is flattened. This is most often the result of babies spending a lot of time lying on their backs or being in a position where the head is resting against a flat surface, such as being in a crib. Because infants' heads are soft to allow for the brain growth that occurs in the first year of life, they're susceptible to being "molded" into a flat shape. Can you believe that shit...thank god there's a company out there selling horse-shoe shaped pillows to prevent your offspring from looking like a conehead. Check it out. It's probably worth the $19 dollars and change, so your baby doesn't turn into a mutant...believe you me your kid will thank you when he or she is old enough to look into a mirror. I mean can you really blame this dude for crying? Apparently he just discovered the football resting on his shoulders that he's going to have to deal with for the rest of his life...

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Monday, August 18, 2008

Don't Percastinate It's Christian Freestyle

I was inspired by Ashlizzle's enthusiasm for the holy spirit and thought I needed to share this with everyone. In a world where it's hipper to be a stripper, we must all commend this pious pioneer of the reverent rap for her fortitude and strength of character. So stay strizzle with the Big Gizzle, Ashlizzle. Uggghhhh Douche Chill. Now I would like to take this moment to pray that I never have to waste another two minutes of my life on God Awful Baptist Rap ever again. Amen.

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Sunday, August 17, 2008

Ruthless Cash For Gold Video

Hey, have you traded everything valuable you own for a few hits of Crystal Meth. Don't despair, I have an idea I bet you haven't thought of. Your 85 year old mother's gold teeth. Hell, she's old. What use does she have for teeth anyway. I'm sure the Meth has eaten yours away months ago. You don't miss them a bit do you?

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Random Movie Clip

Though Ator, our hero, obviously chooses a sword, he could have sliced right through that dwarf with his pecs of steel. This scene happens toward the relative beginning of "Quest for the Mighty Sword," yet somehow manages to serve as its climax. It should have been the conclusion.

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Saturday, August 16, 2008

High Point University Hires Hype Man

Mr. Roger Clodfelter has been dubbed the world's first scholastical flavor flav. High Point University has given the man the official title of, "Director Of Wow." What a sweet gig. This guys job is to create hype for the university by coming up with clever gimmicks like putting an ice cream truck on campus that gives away free ice cream, starting a concierge service for the dorm rooms, live music in the dining area where they serve gourmet food, setting up a kiosk that gives away free drinks, and putting in a hot tub in the middle of campus. Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Booooooooooyyyyyyyyyy! It sounds like all the makings of a kick ass rap video. Free drinks, music, a hot tub, and the Ice Cream Man. Little John would be proud.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Colin Farrell is Gay Plain and Simple

It's been a long day, and I'd like to take this opportunity to rail on someone weaker than me. Sounds crazy but we could all learn a lot from definitely makes me feel better. I've got some serious beef with a lot of famous Hollywood actors and actresses, as I'm sure that many of you do too. After all they're always in the spotlight doing stupid shit, which makes them easy targets.

I'm going to get to the point. Colin Farrell is the dumbest, gayest, worst, most absolutichris, douche hole of an actor on the face of the planet...on the face of the galaxy even. I think that most of us knew it all along, but for those of you non-believers...Colin Farrell is gay and this proves it. This shit speaks for itself. Viewers looks like he actually enjoys this! Careful people…I mean it!

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5 Things I am Afraid to Write About For Fear of Death

For all of you out there that use the Internet for that comfortable veil of anonymity to post horrible things that you would be absolutely ashamed of saying in your everyday personal interactions, there are a few powerful people you may want to think twice about before you photoshop a giant purple pterodactyl giving Oprah a flyby mushroom stamp right on her awful forehead. And yes, I thought long and hard about the consequences of that last statement, but I am doing this for the good of the people. So please, don't let my sacrifice be in vein. Some of the most powerful people are the easiest targets. Most people don't make it to the top of the mountain without losing or giving away a large part of their soul.

#5 Ryan Seacrest

This guy of all guys is the easiest target. But herein lies the problem. What can you take from a man who has nothing to lose? He obviously gave up his soul long before the American Idol game. Does anyone else find it ironic that this soulless sack if shit hosts a show where people compete to give their souls away for their fifteen minutes of fame. This is what makes this guy so dangerous, in the year 2011, when this guy snaps and goes on a three week meth binge, you don't want to be on the wrong side of his 2008 mac book when he starts googling himself to remember the "Good Times."

#4 Scientologists
The wealthiest and most powerful celebrities unite with the idea that the great master alien Xenu killed millions of people by dropping them in various volcanoes around the earth and then releasing hydrogen bombs on top of them just in case the fucking volcano didn't do the trick. Now these poor ancient alien souls are trying to fuck our shit up. In order to shake the 2,000 souls that cloud your judgement and make your starbucks barista give you whole milk instead of non-fat, you have to go through various levels of costly and lengthy audit sessions. Why didn't I think of this shit? These people are obviously bat shit crazy. Numerous stories abound on the internet of people getting fired from their jobs for having anti-scientology sites, or websites being shut down all together for various legal reasons. These guys have the money, numbers, and the desire to bring down all those that oppose the MIGHTY XENU!

#3 Going Green
You motherfuckers only think you're slick. Don't think you can hide behind your noble cause. I'm on to your shit. This is the biggest dick up the ass I've seen since Earth Day. Unlike the other 4 things on this list, there is no one person or major conspiracy that puts the fear of God in me here. It's the Evil Trifecta who try to market this shit as a way to make us think the oil companies, car manufacturers, and politicians are giving half a fuck about what we the people are worried about. These three, my friends, are the people we should fear the most. They own our way of life and they can fuck it up in a second.

#2 Disney
Aaaahhhh, the corporation that started it all. The benchmark for all things corrupt and horrible, The perfect disguise to all that don't care to know better. Hidden behind a thin veil of bright, cuddly characters, and carefully constructed and molded young stars, lies a dark slice of Americana wrought with pedophiles, subliminal advertising, and child exploitation. When this party ship starts to sink, everybody be afraid. Whole cities will go missing. And by the way, if you don't see any posts from me tomorrow, somebody please check that small red door in the Spanish section of "It's a Small World," I heard that's where they keep Sloth from The Goonies where his new job title is Executive Pink Socker.

#1 Oprah Winfrey
We all realize at this point that Oprah is one of the most influential people in America today. Her opinions infect millions of her loyal housewives that watch her TV show, or read her magazine, or watch her whole fucking television channel, or listen to her whole fucking XM radio channel. Does this bitch know how to network or what? The fact that she has completely infiltrated all of our major communications systems is not what we should be worried about here. What we should be afraid of is those deep, horrible skeletons she has hiding in her closet. The day those babies rear their ugly head, total apocalypse. Why doesn't the media ever have anything negative to say about Oprah. Because Oprah doesn't fuck around. You bring me down, motherfucker, we all go down. Oprah's got her finger on the button and she's just waiting for you to say something. Do it, she wants you to. Pussy. That's like taking a long hard look into The Bucket Of Truth and I don't think any of you have the cojones to handle pure unmitigated,unadulterated, immutable truth.

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Random Movie Clip

Poor, Poor Norm Peterson. I can only imagine the scene at about 1:14 from the other side of that window. But that's what happens when Dennis Hopper starts throwing seven different kinds of smoke your way.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Worst Moment in Olympic History

Holy Hell, If that doesn’t leave a bitter taste in your mouth what the hell would? Ouch…is that even possible? This guys been training for how long? A former judo wrestler from Oroszlany, Hungary (yes,i said judo wrestler...i'm not sure what that is, but it sounds good), Janos Baranyai was competing with the so-called B-group of weight-lifters in the 77kg division (for those of us in the U.S. that's around 169.76 pounds) when his elbow popped out of socket. Look closely people, as soon as this guy put up the weight his elbow bent completely backwards! Now if that's not a headline from the Beijing Olympics, I don't know what is. This guy was caught in a moment!

He's supposed to be a professional athlete competing in the Olympics mind you, lifting a mere 326lbs in front of millions of viewers from all over the world. This poor sap gets caught in a picture perfect moment with his elbow popping the fuck out and just when you think it couldn't get any notice the eye-blinding man's moose knuckle in your face. If that's not embarrasing I don't know what, that's no damn joke! I don't know what's worse the look of sheer agony on his face or the sock roll in his tights. Let's hear it for the Hungarian weight-lifting team...

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Jonas Brothers - Where's the Parental Advisory?

The Jonas Brothers...what a cup of suck. Am I crazy or have we seen this before people? Anyone out there old enough to remember New Kids on the Block or Hanson? These guys (girls?) have MMMBopped their way to the top of the charts...the gay charts. I mean come on; kids are actually listening to these pederasses. When I was growing up parents were worried about what we were listening to. I know you guys remember the parental advisories. So how in the hell did these guys slip under our Gaydar? We should have learned the first time when Donnie Wahlberg got caught suckin' a dong or when the Hanson brothers got caught in an incestual orgy. Ok, so those things didn't happen, but they damn sure could have. Parents are sitting back and doing nothing, while the Jonas Brothers are programming our youth to be a bunch of pencil lickers and then wondering why Little Johnny only wants to hang out with dudes. Where is the Parental Advisory on this crap?

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Bitter Beer Of The Week

"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink."
-W.C. Fields

Truer words haven't been spoken. If you do plan on imbibing in the near future, as we all love so much here at, at least take a little advice from the experts.

Duck-Rabbit's Milk Stout is one of the finest dark beers we have tasted in a while. Created in Farmville, NC, this buxom, black, boisterous beauty is a dark beer lovers delight.(Horny?) Just the right amount of sweetness added by the lactose it is brewed with juxtaposes nicely with the dark, fresh roasted grains that give it that dark malty flavor. And please duder, let's not forget, they absolutely have one of the most clever logos ever to grace a bottle of beer.

Anyway, we could talk about beer all day so we'll cut it short and leave you with the words of the Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas. "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Random Movie Clip

Like I said, these things don't come in tastes. Would you like a bran muffin?

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Random Movie Clip

"What's the number 1 problem in the modern kitchen today. FOOD!"

Welcome to the latest feature of The Random Movie Clip. These clips are designed to stimulate and titillate, educate and inform. Occasionally, they may even blow your dome. Regardless, I guarantee we are going to show you some shit you have never seen before.

This first clip is a personal favorite of mine. This is a call back to my college days where the idea of the random movie clip was birthed through blood, sweat, and homeopathic mind stimulation. I must warn you though, "random movie clips don't come in tastes, they come in FIENDS, chris, FIENDS!"

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

You Guys Wanna Hear Some Rock and Roll or Ya Wanna Go Home?

Now that is the kind of reaction one would expect in a perfect world. I think we could all learn a thing or two from good ol' Portugal. Why do these ham and eggers have a single fan anywhere? Because corporations invest millions of dollars into molding a group of soulless sellouts into a brand they can market to the masses. These guys are a product not a rock and roll band. If they shove it down our throats enough, we don't have a choice but to accept it. Just look at the way this guy is posturing and preening on the stage. He yanks his guitar off, grabs a quick swig from his bottled water(not beer by the way, probably avoiding empty calories), and slings it into the crowd. This piece of shit looks like he is acting. I'm sure he's thinking this is a great opportunity to gain a little street cred. But this crowd isn't buying it, they haven't heard I Wanna Be A Rockstar played a thousand times in the background of every T.G.I. Friday's, or American Eagle. On the other side of the coin, I don't think they even have the frame of reference to know how shitty these buttplugs are in real life. Nope, this reaction is based on pure talent alone, and those boos say it all. This is the second song, In less than three minutes, this crowd of thousands picked up on the fact this talentless group of hacks don't deserve to waste even two more minutes of their time. Nice.

Just in case this all sounds a little too much like a conspiracy theory, here is a little evidence to back up our point of view. Da Da Da DaDaaaaaaaa...I'm lovin' it.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Worldwide Fail

This may be an odd choice of content to begin with for a new site but there are few bands that immediately come to mind more cringe inducing than Creed. Come on people, at least this gives us a starting point. If this bag of lips and butt holes can get nearly 6 million hits with a douche chill inducing homo-erotic video like this, we ought to be able to get a few hits making fun of it.

That is what is all about. Getting a few laughs at the expense of the worlds stupidity. That's not to say we don't plan on giving you plenty to laugh at us about. Hopefully, we will have plenty of original content coming in the very near future. In the meantime, sit back and relax to the soothing sounds of one of the most horribly overrated bands of all time.

Dear God, please bring back The Crash Test Dummies, MmmmmMmmmmmMmmmmmMmmmm!

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Ladies and Gentlemen Pepperoni Pie

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