Thursday, August 21, 2008

Britney Spears is the New Sid Vicious

Let me start off by saying I have not been or will ever be a fan of Britney Spears' music. Nor do I especially even care to classify that manufactured, glossy vagina pop she sings as music. Despite that fact, I think she is the best rock star we got going for the 2000's. We all have to give in to the fact that music has become a business and the shit dick's that look like rock stars are drinking Perrier before shows, getting their hair cut at salons by stylists and going on South Beach diets. Rock Star is 90% attitude and no doubt about it, she has got the grit.
This girl marries a piece of shit in Vegas, annuls the wedding less than a week later. Marries an even bigger piece of shit even though everyone around her is saying NoNoNo. I mean come on, was there anyone that didn't think this ham and egger was way fucking out of his league with his cubic zirconium bling and wife beaters.
This is when the fun begins. Fueled by cocaine, Ecstasy, nicotine, and Cheetos these two go on a Hillbilly romp and stomp around Hollywood Sid and Nancy style with no regard for the world watching carefully waiting for the bottom to fall out.
Two kids, a failed marriage, and about 237 shots of that pile of worn out roast beef she calls a pussy later, the 'ol Brit-dog is starting to show a few signs of fatigue.

Not that this is going to slow a true rock star down a bit. Oh No, instead why not lose custody of both kids to the one person that in normal circumstances would seem like the last person on earth to be a responsible parent. This is where the magic happens. Total collapsis. Erratic behavior, more crotch shots, and the pièce de résistance, the classic head shave.
"Ooohhh mama, my head is just so hot. It feels like it's on fire. I can feel each follicle just choking the cool out of my head. Each strand feels like it's turning back in and poking into my brain. It's squeezing my head. Pull over driver. Noooow!" BZZZZZZZZZZZ. "Oh mama, that's what I'm talkin' about. Driver, go around the corner and get me a starbucks and some cheetos. Damn, I need a cigarette."

That's just my interpretation of course but I'm sure it wasn't that far off. You can't write shit like this. Fuckin' Rock Star. I defy anyone to dispute this behavior as nothing but the finest hard rockin' debauchery we have only read about from the classic rock guys from the early seventies and the metal guys from the eighties. Her music may be shit but Miley Cyrus would never make it out of Disney alive if she showed up one day with her peanut shaped dome buzzed. The girls got balls.
So instead of hating on this poor little Louisiana backwoods yokel, I have decided to accept her and put her up on a rock pedestal next to notorious limit pushers and drug takers like Jim Morrison, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy and Sid Vicious. Fuck it, I can only stay bitter about something for so long. With as many pussies out there like Nickelback prancing around like they're bad asses, I think it's time we set some of our musical preferences aside and appreciate somebody that's just tired of the machine and ready to say fuck it all, here world, please look at my c-section scar. I never thought I would say this but thank you Britney Spears, I almost admire you a little bit. Unless you get your shit together, then you can go fuck yourself you talentless, used up heaping mound of tornado bait.

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