Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Generation /b/

Here's something I haven't seen in quite a while. I have a sneaking suspicion that this may be one of the catalysts to the /b/ generation. These are some pretty heavy ideas to drop on an elementary school mind. Where can you really go from there? Certainly not Pokemon, or Magic: The Gathering, or Yu Gi Oh!(Whatever the fuck that is).

Noooooo. There are a certain group of us mid-twenties types that have continued to forage onward, despite having the worst things known to human kind thrown at us. There are many of you that think you know. But those of the /b/ generation know exactly what I'm talking about. We have seen things that make us wonder if we will ever be the same again. Things so abominable, one of our cultures defining characteristics has become anonymity.

And yet, we have continued onward. Sifting through the awful chat rooms that were GIF1, GIF2, JPG3 of Prodigy and AOL. Fighting the many viruses that stemmed from the more specific but horribly inconvenient newsgroups. Silently accepting being mixed in with the cynics of generation X and the logged in kids of generation Y. Well no fucking more. Because "sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? Sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Dude here - the Dude from Los Angeles. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Dude. The Dude, from Los Angeles. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in all of Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide. Sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Well, I lost my train of thought here."

Nothing makes me more FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU than being associated with the LOLers and the WTFers of the trailer park that has become Youtube, Facebook, and MySpace. There is a large group that doesn't quite fit into either of these categories. The internet has become a culture all unto its own. And this culture has been broken down a million times into bloggers, trolls, memes, lulz, noobs, fappers, and a million other categories I don't care to name. But there is only one /b/tard. And for all your trickery, dastardliness, and depravity, I salute you. For there has never been anything like us and there never will be again. Except for this guy who was way ahead of his time

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Man Purse

Quick. Somebody find this guy's uncle and take him to jail. Repressed memories are a terrible thing to waste.

I hope the six year old girl he stole that bag from sees this video and turns him in. Any guesses about what kind of music that high school musical mp3 player contains? My three best guesses are Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, and The Jonas Brothers.

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Sorry people I have to squeeze in one more summer brew before we all get slammed with our Fall Seasonal Ales full of wheat and pumpkin spices. This wonderful beer we know as Oberon was released by Bell's Brewery, which is just east of Boulder, Colorado. Oberon is an American Wheat Ale full of citrus flavors and a spicy aftertaste. It pours a light, creamy orange and has a distinct balance of citrus, wheat and spicy hops. This one reminds me of a Blue Moon only I didn't have to take the time to slice the orange. It's light, crisp and perfect for a summer or early fall barbeque. It's a solid 5.8% alc/vol and worth every mouthful. Two thumbs up and cheers to Bell's Brewery...

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Pudding Beards

What do you get when you cross chocolate pudding and ADHD? A weird-beard that would make the cakefart lady jealous.

Do you ever wonder what you did on the weekends before you drank? Thank God they didn't have webcams when we were kids.

These girls are brave to dance around with shit-smeared faces and phallic shaped food. It wouldn't take a whole lot of photo shop magic to turn a few of these clips into a two girls one cup parody.

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Random Movie Clip

A dour Rae Dawn Chong and Willie Nelson shooting lasers from his eyes at a totem pole can mean only one thing. If you know what the hell that one thing is, please let us know.

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Hip Hop Violin

I'm sorry guys. I know you were wanting to see the famous piccolo playing rappist, but this will have to do for now. Maybe tomorrow, I'll turn you on to my personal favorite. Death Metal trombone. The guy plays a custom trombone. The slide looks like a leg bone and it sprays blood out of the bell. Very demonic.

And take a look at that 'tude. I don't think I will ever be afraid of an 80 pound, poodle haired violinist in pink but I do appreciate the effort. She plucks those strings like she was squeezin' off a few rounds from her Glock. She could have really classed this video up a little bit if she would take a heavy swig from a 40 oz. between breaks. Or have a burning blunt, tucked into the strings on the headstock Van Halen style.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Avada Kadavra Spencer

This was just so fucked up and creepy I had to put this up here. The song really gets stuck in your head and it won't go away. The editing is really damn clever too.

The look in that guys face is so creepy. I had to watch the original video to convince myself he really was even a guy. Insane, homoerotic, chaotic, random. This is either pure genius or I've just had one too many bitter brews. Either way, I don't think I'll ever understand how a boring fuck like Ben Bernanke inspired some wild shit like this.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My Kids Won't Eat Healthy

You know just the other day, I was trying to fix my kids an organic celery salad with fresh plum basil dressing and for the life of me, I could not understand why they wouldn't try it. I even added a few tofu croutons but I couldn't tempt them no matter how hard I tried. Kids today have so many temptations with all the fast food and soft drinks available. Some schools even serve the kids Taco Bell for lunch or have vending machines that have Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper's for them just to drink at will. What is the world coming to when a child...FAGGOT.

HA HA If you don't get it then fuck u.

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European Death Metal

This is a classic Spinal Tap moment if I have ever seen one. This guy talks like Jay's Russian cousin Olaf in Clerks. "Would you like to making fuck? BERSERKER!"

Yes it is much darker than you think when that apple stuffed in leather they call a bass player steps in front of the sun. Faaat guuuy in leather shoooooortsssss. Tommy Boy, anyone?

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Monday, September 15, 2008

OJ, OJ...Uh Oh, OJ

Today was the first day of the OJ Simpson trial in Las Vegas, and it doesn’t look to good for the Juice. Can you believe it? He's back in the spotlight again! We all remember the trial of the century when the old football legend and actor (sort of) was accused of murdering his wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.  He was cleared of all charges by a Los Angeles jury and later found to be responsible for the deaths, including damages to the victim’s families in excess of 30 million. He then went on to write a book explaining exactly how he got away with the crimes. Now if that's not in your face, I don't know what is? 

What we have on our hands is a 61 year old man who’s sitting in the same seat that he was sitting in back in 1994…on trial for his life. With a panel comprised of nine women and three men, and four out of six defendants agreeing to testify against Simpson; it doesn’t look like OJ’s going to make it out of this one, you be the judge...

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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Allagash White

In the spirit of patriotism, it being 9/11 and all, here is an American beer that has to be one of the most refreshing that I have tried in a long, long time. As the summer season winds down most of us choose to enjoy the dwindling warmer days outside playing in the sun. Whether you're relaxing on the beach, sleeping in a hammock or working in the yard; an ice cold Allagash White will never disappoint. As crisp as it is refreshing, the Allagash Brewing Company of Portland, Maine hit a homerun with this one. It's a Belgian Wheat beer that pours a little cloudy, but isn't complete without swirling the last sip at the bottom of the bottle to savor all the remaining wheat and yeast sediments. This one is exceptionally smooth and a solid 5% alc/vol. Who could ask for anything more? Uh...and oh yeah, God Bless America and stuff...

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Web Chode Of The Week

Can you imagine the reaction of the guy this is dedicated to? Could he possibly be impressed by this guy's singing? I have very little knowledge in the ways of homosexual courting but I'm pretty sure this guy is a chode in any circle.

And where is he taping this? Is this his grandmother's bedroom? Where are the Janet Jackson and Celine Dion posters and why the fuck is that iron taking up half of his video? I almost expected to see a be dazzler sitting in the background, but he probably threw it away after it attacked his lip.

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Saturday, September 6, 2008

Random Movie Clip

Is it Johnny Cash in 1961's "Door-to-Door Maniac," or just a terribly uncomfortable outtake with the film producer's niece?

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Friday, September 5, 2008

The Anna Nicole Horror Picture Show

"I've got an idea: Let's make an Anna Nicole Smith action movie!"

This sentence could come from the desperately horny or the depths of dementia. Instead, it came from the PM Entertainment Group in the form of "Skyscraper," an amateur adaptation of "Die Hard" with big, big breasts and acting comparable to a silicon turd, should such a perversion ever exist.

"Skyscraper" stars Anna Nicole Smith as an excruciatingly unwitting helicopter pilot who finds herself trapped in a skyscraper seized by terrorists. Realizing that only she can stop them, Smith proceeds to traipse and jiggle throughout the building, seeking a way out and a quiet moment to experience a gratuitous flashback of past sexual encounters/firearms training.

Despite its intentions, the movie is hysterical, due in part to its overzealous action sequences, awkward sex scenes, reproachable dialogue and formulaic plot. The only surprise found in this cellulose-laden celluloid is that its director, Raymond Martino, did not suffer a massive heart attack, aneurism and stroke simultaneously from the painstaking task of directing Smith. She is hopelessly fed her lines, likely along with Valium and Bon-Bons, and proceeds to regurgitate her own clumsy interpretation of the dialogue. As a result, the final featured takes must have been the lesser of many unspeakable evils. In this light, Bitter Humor salutes Raymond Martino as a man of infinite patience. Here's the proof.

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Tuesday, September 2, 2008

New Kids On The Block Make Love Like Men

Puppy Love. How sweet.

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Five O'Clock and All's Welles

Despite the obligatory fat jokes that plagued his twilight years, legendary filmmaker Orson Welles was a giant of the 20th century. His skill at film direction unsurpassed, his eye for imagery unparalleled, his turn at acting both menacing and thought-provoking, and his penchant for cheap wine all too human.

In all those old fairy tales and myths, people were best advised to stay away from giants. They're intimidating, inhuman and they can crush men underfoot like ants. When an all-t00-human weakness is revealed, it doesn't necessarily knock them down a notch but rather adjusts one's vantage point. They're seen differently, no longer as a giant, but as a fellow man. Orson Welles revealed this side in the latter end of his career, when direction went by the wayside and Paul Masson wine came by the crate. Notorious for his nitpicking of advertising copy and "dialogue," Welles simply refused to accept things as is, instead fusing his unique brand of delivery with ordinary commercial rubbish. Sometimes this involved drunkenness, as demonstrated in a series of Paul Masson commercial outtakes -- some of the funniest ever committed to film.

Watching a drunken Welles miss his cues, nearly fall asleep and slur his dialogue in front of an intimidated duo of commercial actors is simply hysterical, not sad. One of the greatest directors of all time shouldn't be admonished for a series of seemingly embarrassing commercials. For the money and probably a decent supply of wine, one could do a lot worse.

After all, we're only human.

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Monday, September 1, 2008

Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps!

It's been a whole week and some change since the 2008 Summer Olympics came to a bizarre, acrobatic close, and far more important news has flooded the media, such as Michael Jackson's 50th birthday and pregnant 17-year-old Republicans. Whether or not there's a correlation has yet to be determined.

But that's one whole week without news of Michael Phelps, the gold-winning swimmer with the perpetually gaping mouth who paddled his way into the hearts and minds of millions, who proceeded to talk about his achievements nonstop, 25 hours a day, eight days a week. Sure, Phelps has accomplished more than the general public can even fathom during an "American Idol" commercial break, but since when has a vocal majority of Americans ever given a flying fish of a fuck about competitive swimming? Maybe four years ago. And before then, another four years ago -- only at the Olympics, when it's right there to be viewed.

There's no doubt these athletes have accomplished a lot, and their medals are well earned and quite deserved, but enough of these fair-weather fans' masturbatory pride, fawning over winning, rather than the actual winners, or even the sport, for that matter. Swimming. When was the last time you heard someone say, "Yo, Reggie. We're gonna get shitfaced, eat some tacos and watch the swimming match. They're doing the backstroke, so you'd better bring an extra case." Some people only care when it's convenient, sometimes relevant. Had Phelps earned the silver, or even the bronze, would America's aquatic son be hailed as such, or would he swim to the backs of people's minds, right next to that one guy, who did that thing at that place that one time.

A week or so ago, "Michael Phelps" was all you'd hear in the news. How soon we forget. Hell, there are bigger fish to fry. So, in that spirit, Bitter Humor offers a retrospective review of this time three weeks ago.

"Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps won a gold medal today. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps won another gold medal. Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps! Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps! Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps. Award-winning swimmer Michael Phelps. Gold-medal winning swimmer Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps! Swimming. Michael Phelps. Phelps! Phelps! Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps."

In other news...

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