Thursday, August 14, 2008

5 Things I am Afraid to Write About For Fear of Death

For all of you out there that use the Internet for that comfortable veil of anonymity to post horrible things that you would be absolutely ashamed of saying in your everyday personal interactions, there are a few powerful people you may want to think twice about before you photoshop a giant purple pterodactyl giving Oprah a flyby mushroom stamp right on her awful forehead. And yes, I thought long and hard about the consequences of that last statement, but I am doing this for the good of the people. So please, don't let my sacrifice be in vein. Some of the most powerful people are the easiest targets. Most people don't make it to the top of the mountain without losing or giving away a large part of their soul.

#5 Ryan Seacrest

This guy of all guys is the easiest target. But herein lies the problem. What can you take from a man who has nothing to lose? He obviously gave up his soul long before the American Idol game. Does anyone else find it ironic that this soulless sack if shit hosts a show where people compete to give their souls away for their fifteen minutes of fame. This is what makes this guy so dangerous, in the year 2011, when this guy snaps and goes on a three week meth binge, you don't want to be on the wrong side of his 2008 mac book when he starts googling himself to remember the "Good Times."

#4 Scientologists
The wealthiest and most powerful celebrities unite with the idea that the great master alien Xenu killed millions of people by dropping them in various volcanoes around the earth and then releasing hydrogen bombs on top of them just in case the fucking volcano didn't do the trick. Now these poor ancient alien souls are trying to fuck our shit up. In order to shake the 2,000 souls that cloud your judgement and make your starbucks barista give you whole milk instead of non-fat, you have to go through various levels of costly and lengthy audit sessions. Why didn't I think of this shit? These people are obviously bat shit crazy. Numerous stories abound on the internet of people getting fired from their jobs for having anti-scientology sites, or websites being shut down all together for various legal reasons. These guys have the money, numbers, and the desire to bring down all those that oppose the MIGHTY XENU!

#3 Going Green
You motherfuckers only think you're slick. Don't think you can hide behind your noble cause. I'm on to your shit. This is the biggest dick up the ass I've seen since Earth Day. Unlike the other 4 things on this list, there is no one person or major conspiracy that puts the fear of God in me here. It's the Evil Trifecta who try to market this shit as a way to make us think the oil companies, car manufacturers, and politicians are giving half a fuck about what we the people are worried about. These three, my friends, are the people we should fear the most. They own our way of life and they can fuck it up in a second.

#2 Disney
Aaaahhhh, the corporation that started it all. The benchmark for all things corrupt and horrible, The perfect disguise to all that don't care to know better. Hidden behind a thin veil of bright, cuddly characters, and carefully constructed and molded young stars, lies a dark slice of Americana wrought with pedophiles, subliminal advertising, and child exploitation. When this party ship starts to sink, everybody be afraid. Whole cities will go missing. And by the way, if you don't see any posts from me tomorrow, somebody please check that small red door in the Spanish section of "It's a Small World," I heard that's where they keep Sloth from The Goonies where his new job title is Executive Pink Socker.

#1 Oprah Winfrey
We all realize at this point that Oprah is one of the most influential people in America today. Her opinions infect millions of her loyal housewives that watch her TV show, or read her magazine, or watch her whole fucking television channel, or listen to her whole fucking XM radio channel. Does this bitch know how to network or what? The fact that she has completely infiltrated all of our major communications systems is not what we should be worried about here. What we should be afraid of is those deep, horrible skeletons she has hiding in her closet. The day those babies rear their ugly head, total apocalypse. Why doesn't the media ever have anything negative to say about Oprah. Because Oprah doesn't fuck around. You bring me down, motherfucker, we all go down. Oprah's got her finger on the button and she's just waiting for you to say something. Do it, she wants you to. Pussy. That's like taking a long hard look into The Bucket Of Truth and I don't think any of you have the cojones to handle pure unmitigated,unadulterated, immutable truth.

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