Monday, August 25, 2008

Never Wear a Red Shirt To Target

I'm all for a casual workplace but Goddamnit, just a red shirt as a uniform is not going to cut it. Wear a fucking name tag you incognito motherfuckers. Put a fucking red vest on with a huge conspicuous name tag so every time I go into Target wearing a red shirt, I don't have middle-aged women asking me where the fuck the pencil sharpener aisle is. Today, I was sent on an impromptu mission to pick up a couple necessities. Immediately, I walk past two crusty looking chodes that look very much like DJ Qualls and his acne covered little buddy wearing an Incredible Hulk t-shirt whispering to each other. As they pass I hear one say in a crackly, puberty stricken warble, "Why would you wear a red shirt to Target? Hehehehehe."
Why indeed. Now the color of my face matches the color of my shirt exactly. While I'm contemplating turning around to slap the shit out of these two pre-pubescent dipshits, a middle aged mom and her daughter walks up and asks me if they have a specialty section for back to school. "Uuuuuhhhhhh, yeah it's in the back corner over there but there's not much back there." I say trying to mimmick every disgruntled minimum wage asshole I ever asked a question to and got a shitty fuck you I've got better things to do like walk around the corner behind the bras and dig these cacky pants out of my crack response. The mom and daughter both give me a go to hell look and turn away towards the back corner where they will soon discover is the exact opposite direction of their precious school supplies. As they turn away I give them the famous YOUR WELCOME move letting them know that a little more respect is demanded when asking a busy non-target employee directions to their destination. They look back in shock at my utter rudeness. I have never had so much fun at Target in my life. I was in there a total of 6 minutes and I bet I answered 6 more questions before I got out the door. I sent ladies looking for bleach towards the automotive section. Someone asked me where to find Napkins. I told her we didn't carry napkins and quickly turned away and ignored her as she tried to ask me if I was sure. I bet I ruined no less than 5 people's Target shopping experience. Granted, I put 85% of the blame on Target for not giving their employees a uniform, but still. That's what you get for fuckin' with me. In a world where your biggest competitor has bright blue goofy vests for their employees to wear with a smiley face and a giant "How May I Help You?" on the back, you can rummage up a name tag or two so I don't have to change my fucking wardrobe to buy some deodorant and toilet paper in peace.

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6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Super Wal-Mart all the way...

Anonymous said...

You would make a great Target team member!

Brittany said...

hahaha, best post yet

Anonymous said...

"cacky" is actually spelled "khaki." And it's "you're welcome," not "your welcome."

Martin said...

Wao Red shirt is realy cool color its my faveret color. and nice blog thankes for shring me

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Anonymous said...

First of all walls of text are bad and you should feel bad. And 2nd: I do feel your pain somewhat. However, nothing will stop customers from asking you questions. I got off work with my GREEN polo shirt and went into Wal-Mart (and I believe at Target too) where people stopped me. In fact, I ditched a family that I could tell was trying to flag me down.

I've also had customers stop me when I'm not clocked in yet which I'm sure is common. But then there are the times I'm not even in uniform and/or covered up with my jacket or sweater. People suck.