Monday, September 1, 2008

Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps!

It's been a whole week and some change since the 2008 Summer Olympics came to a bizarre, acrobatic close, and far more important news has flooded the media, such as Michael Jackson's 50th birthday and pregnant 17-year-old Republicans. Whether or not there's a correlation has yet to be determined.

But that's one whole week without news of Michael Phelps, the gold-winning swimmer with the perpetually gaping mouth who paddled his way into the hearts and minds of millions, who proceeded to talk about his achievements nonstop, 25 hours a day, eight days a week. Sure, Phelps has accomplished more than the general public can even fathom during an "American Idol" commercial break, but since when has a vocal majority of Americans ever given a flying fish of a fuck about competitive swimming? Maybe four years ago. And before then, another four years ago -- only at the Olympics, when it's right there to be viewed.

There's no doubt these athletes have accomplished a lot, and their medals are well earned and quite deserved, but enough of these fair-weather fans' masturbatory pride, fawning over winning, rather than the actual winners, or even the sport, for that matter. Swimming. When was the last time you heard someone say, "Yo, Reggie. We're gonna get shitfaced, eat some tacos and watch the swimming match. They're doing the backstroke, so you'd better bring an extra case." Some people only care when it's convenient, sometimes relevant. Had Phelps earned the silver, or even the bronze, would America's aquatic son be hailed as such, or would he swim to the backs of people's minds, right next to that one guy, who did that thing at that place that one time.

A week or so ago, "Michael Phelps" was all you'd hear in the news. How soon we forget. Hell, there are bigger fish to fry. So, in that spirit, Bitter Humor offers a retrospective review of this time three weeks ago.

"Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps won a gold medal today. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps won another gold medal. Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps! Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps! Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps. Award-winning swimmer Michael Phelps. Gold-medal winning swimmer Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps! Swimming. Michael Phelps. Phelps! Phelps! Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps."

In other news...

Stumble Upon Toolbar

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Michael Phelps!

Anonymous said...

Two more words..."Michael Phelps!"