Friday, September 5, 2008

The Anna Nicole Horror Picture Show

"I've got an idea: Let's make an Anna Nicole Smith action movie!"

This sentence could come from the desperately horny or the depths of dementia. Instead, it came from the PM Entertainment Group in the form of "Skyscraper," an amateur adaptation of "Die Hard" with big, big breasts and acting comparable to a silicon turd, should such a perversion ever exist.

"Skyscraper" stars Anna Nicole Smith as an excruciatingly unwitting helicopter pilot who finds herself trapped in a skyscraper seized by terrorists. Realizing that only she can stop them, Smith proceeds to traipse and jiggle throughout the building, seeking a way out and a quiet moment to experience a gratuitous flashback of past sexual encounters/firearms training.

Despite its intentions, the movie is hysterical, due in part to its overzealous action sequences, awkward sex scenes, reproachable dialogue and formulaic plot. The only surprise found in this cellulose-laden celluloid is that its director, Raymond Martino, did not suffer a massive heart attack, aneurism and stroke simultaneously from the painstaking task of directing Smith. She is hopelessly fed her lines, likely along with Valium and Bon-Bons, and proceeds to regurgitate her own clumsy interpretation of the dialogue. As a result, the final featured takes must have been the lesser of many unspeakable evils. In this light, Bitter Humor salutes Raymond Martino as a man of infinite patience. Here's the proof.

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